A Smile or a laugh

Depression and Anxiety-one helleva cocktail

Next week we begin our State tests. I have this rock in the pit of my stomach. Maybe I have five students who will pass. I hope others can understand enough of it to do adequately but in reality, I am dreaming.

I have known this since the second week of school. Most of the kids reading and math levels were overinflated by last years teachers. My kids didn't know the basics in mathematics and the comprehension levels for reading were very low.

So much rides on this one stupid test and I don't want my kids to worry about it. I don't want them to believe they are failures when they are only eight year old kids. Why do we do this to our children?

I have told them I only want them to do their best work and not worry about it-no one I know has a clue of what they want to do when they are eight. Let them be kids a little longer. They will get all of this eventually-they are smart, just less prepared than they should have been. I also have two more months to keep working with them, and it will be easier with the pressure off .

This year has changed me. I feel bad inside about everything. I feel as if I am letting so many people down. I feel as if I can't keep up and I struggle wih feeling any joy in life.

I cherish feeling peace. I keep drawing further and further away from people. I feel safer at home, as if I don't have contact with the rest of the world I can't screw up.

I don't want to keep living like this. I need to do something to change this trajectory. I miss laughing. I miss feeling passionate about life and my work. I miss relishing each day.

I need to figure a way out of this.