A Smile or a laugh

Depression and Anxiety-one helleva cocktail

Next week we begin our State tests. I have this rock in the pit of my stomach. Maybe I have five students who will pass. I hope others can understand enough of it to do adequately but in reality, I am dreaming.

I have known this since the second week of school. Most of the kids reading and math levels were overinflated by last years teachers. My kids didn't know the basics in mathematics and the comprehension levels for reading were very low.

So much rides on this one stupid test and I don't want my kids to worry about it. I don't want them to believe they are failures when they are only eight year old kids. Why do we do this to our children?

I have told them I only want them to do their best work and not worry about it-no one I know has a clue of what they want to do when they are eight. Let them be kids a little longer. They will get all of this eventually-they are smart, just less prepared than they should have been. I also have two more months to keep working with them, and it will be easier with the pressure off .

This year has changed me. I feel bad inside about everything. I feel as if I am letting so many people down. I feel as if I can't keep up and I struggle wih feeling any joy in life.

I cherish feeling peace. I keep drawing further and further away from people. I feel safer at home, as if I don't have contact with the rest of the world I can't screw up.

I don't want to keep living like this. I need to do something to change this trajectory. I miss laughing. I miss feeling passionate about life and my work. I miss relishing each day.

I need to figure a way out of this.

Respect for Teachers???

I wrote this and didn't send it. It is three months from the end of the school year and Clark County is still 430 teachers short. I am weary.

Dear Senator

I am writing in response to today's article in the LVRJ and your comments about high teacher turnover in Clark County.
I am in my fifth year of teaching. I have seen many teachers leave the district. I work for a great Principal who is retiring this year. She probably would have stayed longer if the expectations for her yearly goals were a little more realistic.
I work for an at risk school. We have made great strides in the past three years and for the first time in thirty years our school is off the "failed" list.
Last year we had two second grade teachers leave during the year. Another second grade teacher had to go on an extended maternity leave.

This year I have many of those students in my class. They had long term substitutes. They came into third grade lacking the knowledge they needed to prepare for third grade. The students lacked discipline and consistancy. A whole year of intermittent substitutes followed by long term subs who may have done their best but had little awareness of what was needed.
My students have made great progress considering where they were at the beginning of the year. They have so much more to learn.

I love teaching. If you asked most teachers why they do it they will tell you it is because they believe in our profession and are committed to our students' learning.

Teaching is a challenging profession. So many variables affect how and when children learn.
I am feeling so demoralized by the attitude of those who do not spend time in the classroom.
This year our legislators need to come and spend a few days at an at risk school and observe learning. Not just one day. You all really need to see how all these variables affect student learning and teachers ability to teach.
I believe money is an important equation in quality education. Money to education, money so educators can live-but I also believe teachers would stay or come here to work if they received more respect and support from the community.
I am so weary of reading criticisms about incompentent teachers when the district does not have the money needed to provide the supplies and curriculum materials needed for children.
When children in my classes have no health care and teeth are rotted or they need glasses. When children come into my room in the morning to tell me parents have not come at night-or their parents had a violent fight.
I am tired when I work two jobs to support my daughter and myself and housing and groceries are so high we can't take a vacation to LA let alone on an airplane.

I haven't thought of leaving the district until I read your comments today. Another year of huge turnover, new teachers, complaints of failure, inadequacy and urgent messages to pay new teachers more to come to our state.
What this means for those of us who stay and work hard is our money is worth less and less each year, we can't afford housing, we work extra jobs and we have to pick up the slack for all those new teachers who walk into our schools in their learning curves.
Pay me so I can work one job. Keep my coworkers the same way. Treat us well for being loyal professionals willing to remain committed to our kids in Nevada. Don't insult us by another two percent raise. Give me a living wage. Campus police make more in starting salary than I do after five years of teaching with a Masters Degree.
I'm feeling discouraged. Maybe it is time for me to move from Las Vegas as well. Maybe my exit interview will be one you read next year.

My daughter-from this-to this

Why?

Adolescence is such a long hard road.

So is parenting.

Blind Dates

So she sat with him for five hours.

He professed how lonely he was-how his last two wives hurt him.

He ate, drank, confessed his need to have a woman in his life-

one who would do his laundry-keep him company on flights-snowmobile-ride Harleys

he ate, drank-drank some more-wept into his wine glass at the exclusive eatery

drank some more-

nodded off after about hour three-

drank some coffee-

spent an hour venting his right wing politics-

sobered

looked pleadingly at her-

"are you the one?-I just want to be married"

Why did she stay five hours?

As a therapist, her sense of compassion and caring saw a wounded man

so she stayed

By mutual agreement they parted-

he home to another lonely night with his fine wines

-and her-

to her peaceful home, with the cheery fireplace, dog and two cats-

a good book-

feeling thankful-and just fine

living alone

Nights

Sometimes nights are the hardest...

I wonder what the stars think?

What kind of alarm clock person are???

What kind of alarm clock person are you??

Do you hit the snooze button more than once?

Can you sleep through the alarm?

Can you sleep through the alarm so well someone has to wake you up?

Do you sleep through the alarm so well someone has to yell at you?

Can you sleep through the alarm so well someone has to throw water on you to get you up?

Do you sleep through the alarm so well people are pissed at you for having to spend so much time trying to get your lazy ass out of bed??

Do you pop out of bed the minute the alarm begins to sound?

Do you just snuggle under the blankets for a few minutes longer, awake but enjoying that early morning warmth?

Are you up before the alarm goes off?

Do you never sleep and the alarm is just a reminder of the time?

Are you one of the unique who do not need an alarm, aren't terrified of waking late and wake up each day at the exact same time?

I wonder what that feels like.