Distorted Images in the Mirror of the US CItizen

In Europe, after World War Two, occupied Germans called us the "Ugly Americans".
Considered loud, arrogant, ill mannered, without grace. They smiled and detested us.

We Americans, of course, horrified by the atrocities felt justified to use our bad manners.

As a fifty something woman my observations span a time from Eisenhower to the present.

We really did believe , passionately, that we , as part of an axis, helped free a country committing such horrible crimes against humans-it was an imperative.

In our own country we stood firm, throwing out Nixon, fighting for civil rights and justice, personal freedoms, laws and structure to protect our weakest as well as place protections to prevent the building of a labor force by empires which at every turn attempted to build slave labor.
We took responsibility for the polluting of our lakes and rivers and passed laws to protect our wildlife, lands, air and waterways.

We stood tall in the face of a corrupt Presidential administration as President Nixon resigned and many officials went to prison.

Those very baby boomers who stood in public and protested for change, fought from the university campus's, marched on Washington and used their votes to make a difference are now the old farts -the "establishment" making the changes, calling the shots, changing the laws and using their economic power to influence our policies and laws.

What the hell happened? What changed?

Somehow that sense of justice has been distorted-translated-twisted-
parodied-

To believe the US is not only above the moral laws of the world, but that we set them, to believe that we choose which humans suffer -and that the poor, the disenfranchised, the homeless. the migrant, the abused, the neglected, the elderly and the uneducated -if the cannot compete, they deserve whatever befalls them.
Oh, we don't proclaim that-we do it by ignoring the injustices, attacking the idealists and the dreamer, and creating a mindthink so similar to historical pathways that have led to the altering or downfall of powerful civilizations-it makes my heart hurt.

Our civilization is disillusioned -cynical-distrusting-
we seem to react to it by finding those even more cynical, distrusting and morally corrupt and have them speak for us.

I am afraid for us. We don't stand outraged by our own bad behavior anymore. We don't demand immediate change and accountability.

It's as if the orgy of Rome continues until it destroys itself from within-or somewhere-an outside influence will destroy what we believe in-based on our total apathetic response to the corruption, the arrogance, the ignorance and greed of our government.

Bush "thinks" about what to do in Iraq while our kids die.

This list is a mile long.
Shall I write it again?
Shall I write about high prices, huge corporate profits, the attack on our educational systems? The stagnant wage, unaffordable housing, global warming, corrupt politicians, .........huge national debt

Do we need to keep writing and speaking ?????

Does anyone else grieve as I do?
For all that we believed we could change the world by setting an example-as a free world?

Miss USA-Representing the better part of us????

She needs to go to rehab. She gets a second chance She's seen in tears getting a reprieve from "The Donald"

I am so over it all. Brittany's crotch-Paris Hilton's drunken image. Save me from Lindsay's cocaine powdered nose. The drunken arrests.

I say kick her ass off the pageant. Get rid of her. Dump her with great ceremony.

For God's sake, someone stand up and tell our girls they have a right to a little dignity. To respect. That not every girl out there is set for rehab, that she doesn't have to sell her body image as a sexual excuse for being a human beneath all that breast, tits/ass/crotch/pussy /drugs image.

Is this the new culture? Do we all go into life screwing up big time and getting second chances.

I believe in second chances. I've had a few myself.

But since when did this become the central theme we admire in our society?

We must have thousands of people in the world who don't drink, drug and party,who work hard, have dreams, work on making them happen and don't need to destroy themselves and then weep, humiliate and degrade themselves in order to keep what they haven't earned in the first place.

What kind of message do we want to send our kids?

Is it not okay anymore to set an example with high standards for our kids to look up to?

Or is this really all we have to offer our kids in the form of role models anymore?

Drunks, druggies, sluts, corrupt sports figures -rape accusations, infidelity-hard partying-

Is this it?

Since when do we say it's okay to admire and emulate someone who is already fucked up?

I am not saying second chances, rehab and righting one's life should be condemned, judged or "morally rightoused" by any of us. . People screw up.

I just want an example for my fourteen year old daughter which sets out what the "best" is, can be or wants to be-so she has some sense of hope- direction-will,-discipline-admiration,,some positive focus in this crazy, pathetic sexed up media hyped culture.

Donald Trump has sleazed the Miss USA, Miss Teen USA pageants with his own brand of slime.

Now they are just another couple of Brittaney Spears/Paris Hilton look alike contests-slut on a stick-

American girls-step forward and show me your accomplishments, please? Ones that have more to do with integrity-quality-self esteem-intelligence and the message you take care of your body -as in "health"?

Ohhhh the Walmart bennies you can get.....

Walmart has decided to offer new communication and incentive tools to its' employees.

My favorite is the offer of a Polo Shirt after twenty years of employment, and a new one every five year thereafter...

Honestly! Twenty years of service and they are going to give the gift of a polo shirt identifying the employee to all who walk into Walmart-asthe proud owner of twenty years or more of seniority????

What in the bejesus are they thinking??

A Polo shirt for twenty years of service?

I wonder if it is really meant as a slap on the kiander...an insult...

Do you think the execs at Walmart were all sitting around that huge square conference table in Arkansas brainstorming perks for the line staff and they all came to the agreement the Polo Shirt was a "real nifty "idea??

I can't imagine what sort of group think got them to that point of agreement.

Maybe it was really sitting around at the local upscale drinking hole, imbibing on martinis and straight up expensive cognac that got them to the point of totally inane and imbecilic free flowing brain blanks....

I just can't imagine what they were thinking???

Does this seem like an insult? A bad joke? A message to employees not to humiliate themselves and to get out before 20?

Maybe that is the message.

Because anyone proud of wearing a "free" Polo for working at WalMart for twenty or more years has got to have a little screw loose somewhere....

I took my third grade class to see this movie Saturday afternoon. I did not realize it was such a "dark" film. My kids really got the message. The animation is great-and the music-well, if you remember the Motown sound you will appreciate it-the film leans on stereotypes-

the priggish penguin leader has a British accent-the King penguins are Hispanic and the Emperor Penguins sounded very African-American.

While it is amusing it reminded me a bit of "JarJar Binks"-a stereotype I remember to this day..

The tap dancing is awesome and the music had us rocking in our seats.

This, along with the March of the Penguins will be classroom staples for discussion about habitats, environmental issues and survival.

Jose Padilla

The New York Times published this picture today. This is Jose Padilla on the way to the dentist-from his maximum security cell.

He was arrested without charges on US soil-is a US citizen -a muslim. He has been in prison since 2002-without the right to a trial and until recently without the right to know the charges against him(as he is considered a terrorist) or the right to council.

His arrest and detainment isn't from Iraq or Afghanistan to Guantanamo-it is from New York City to a US prison.

Who invented the use of sensory deprivation as an interrogation tool? It doesn't appear to be used as a tool here but as a punishment.

He is now unable to understand the charges against him anymore, nor is he able to defend himself. He doesn't know who to believe and wonders if even his own attorny is a part of a conspiracy by the US government.

Whoever said if you are innocent you don't have anything to worry about has not yet been "detained" by today's government,

He is described by prison officials as "docile" and "not a problem".

The thought my own country, the United States, the democracy I have held dear would use such cruel and sadistic punishment -stuns and frightens me.

If we support this, no matter what the reasons, we are not the country I love and believe to be -and that is frightening idea-

What is happening to us??

Election? The corrupt vs. the cynic

Most of my younger friends in their late twenties believe there is no good reason to vote.
They believe politics are totally corrupted and a vote will make no difference.
Many torturous lunch debates in the teacher's lounge unhinge my sense of hope and justice for a better United States government-on all levels.

Having grown up throughout the Kennedy-Nixon-Carter-etc. I participated and observed how we, as a nation could step up to corrupt politics, dishonesty and illegal moves and make a difference.

We made a difference as a populist when we said enough of Vietnam.

We stood firm and rooted out the insidious infection in our top government in Richard Nixon-Spiro Agnew and the White cronies who fed off one another's lack of moral purpose and dishonesty at levels up to and including the United States Attorney General.

Our country is spiraling down a toilet bowl of fecal dishonesty-arrogant in its' demeanor-

The most frightening aspect is the blatant-in-your-face-diffidence government at all levels present corruption.

We are told it is so-and so what?
Men resign-not in shame but because they are forced to do so by other party members for fear of -not tainting them-but of getting caught as well.

I retract my outrage at my young fellow professionals.

I am not so sure anymore they are incorrect.

It is a hopelessness -a weary-overwhelming-sense of futility-tinged with grief-that touches the core of my being-this feeling inside of me-still clutching my moral outrage and sense of justice-seems almost Pollyannish is this new generation's resignation to corruption.

Each day I am in my classroom with third grade children-I remind them-some day you will be the ones responsible for the decision making in our country. It is a serious and honorable duty of citizenship. Never fear to step up to the plate and decide for what is right-
remember it will affect all of us-not just you-but your children and their children...

We must always remember we are not in this world just for ourselves-we are responsible tor one another..at all levels

It is their parents cynicism-sense of powerlessness-vague detached feelings my children must overcome.

Ironically, it is those just and conscientious citizens of the sixties and seventies who raised those cynics.

Insane incompetence ? Or the future of service??

The sign read, CLOSED
Come back in one hour....

A young woman stood at the locked door to Sally's Beauty Supply talking on a phone.

I asked, One hour from when? Now? Twenty minutes ago? When?

She put one finger up, motioning me to wait as she spoke on the phone.
As I stood on the opposite side of the door, she hung up the phone and walked away.

Okay, I thought, I'll hang out next door at Bath and Body Work for a few minutes and check back.

Thirty minutes later I returned to the unlocked doors of Sally's Beauty Supply .

As I walked in I stepped over a tangle of computer cords, two women behind the counter on the floor, one with a phone to her ear trying to figure out how to restart the computer.

An additional woman stood in the front of the store telling each person she did not know if the store would remain open because the computer was broken.

"We have to close", she whined, "our computer is broke and we can't make any sales."

"Can't you do it manually?", I asked.
"e don't hav a calculator to figure out the 7% sales tax. "
You don't know how to multiply by seven?", I asked curiously.

"We have to add more than one purchase and how can we figure out sales tax on that??" asked another worker, slightly panicked.

"Well, if it is too difficult to multiply bu seven you could always multiply by five and two and add it", I offered hopefully.

"How are we supposed to count change ??", asked the same young woman.

"Don't you know how to count up?", I asked.

Both looked at me blankly.

We don't know how to open the drawer, another stated.

Twenty people(or more roamed) the store on this busy Saturday afternoon.

The young woman announced, "Everyone is going to have to leave-we have to close the store."

She once again escorted the customers out.

I stopped in the front of the store.

"You cannot add-multiple numbers, multiply by seven or figure out a way to open the cash register?"

"Well, this is the first time this have ever happened, replied one distraught young woman.

Don't you think a contingency plan should be in place? Don't you have an operations manual to help you with certain emergencies?
Do you see how many customers are leaving?"
"Just seems really poor customer service."

All three stared.

One hour later I decide to grab a sub at Quizmos.

Sign on the door,
Our oven is broke,
We can only make cold sandwiches.

I asked, "How long has the oven been broken?"

"Since this morning", came the reply.

I shook my head and left.

In my favorite Thai restaurant after 105 degree heat and my shopping experiences, I order.

My soup and egg roll arrives.

Fifteen minutes later the hostess stops by with my bill for ten dollars and thanks me.

(This place is empty..)

"But I didn't get my food yet", I protest, resigned to the alignment of todays planets and stars...


One hour later I realize I left my ATM card at the credit union in the machine.
I call the branch.
"Sorry this is the call center-that branch must not be answering the phone."

"How can I reach them?", I ask.

"You have to keep trying this number" was the reply.

Ten calls later I drive to the credit union-

As I walk in the door I notice one customer, the receptionist at the desk is hanging out with her boyfriend-who is waiting for her to finish.

No phones are ringing. She has already transferred to the call center although 45 minutes remain before closing.

I explain my problem.

"Sorry, can't do anything about it until Monday"

"Can't you even check ?"

We can put a hold on your card and if it isn't here on Monday we will cancel it."

*sigh*

Doing business feels so painful at times.
Customer service just sucks.

My horoscope tells me not to start any new relationships today.

Well, it is Friday and I suppose I can just wait one more day to go out into the world and grab someone in the grocery store, or at the mall-to be my new best friend.

Growing up in an Italian family of eight children alone time was rare. Exceptionally rare. We shared -crossed boundaries and had no idea what it meant to be "quiet and at peace" although I knew on some level this constant erosion of noise into my brain had to be unhealthy...

We slept two to a bed. Shared the tub in twos-wore each others clothes depending on where one was in the line of inheritance-(my older sister got the new clothes-my youngest sister???-poor baby

We rode two on a bike-shared sleds-baseball mitts-ice skates-and even candy bars.

Sharing was not just a "nice" thing one learned "to do" to have people like you-

it was an imperial order from the parents as a matter of survival-

and no one complained-although we did learn to hide a few things we didn't want to share.

Each of us was different in how we felt and acted upon sharing-

My older sister was the tormentor-
if we had to share a candy bar-she was always the one who waited-a long time-
after we had all enjoyed ours-
to take out hers and eat it in front of everyone-days after the treat was disbursed-
just to torture us-watching her slowly eat her half, bite by bite-as an actor-knowing how to draw out the moment-
savoring and embellishing the actual reality-
of half a stale candy bar.

I was at the opposite end of the spectrum. Whatever was mine-which was virtually nil-was yours.
I knew I had no control over what I owned as a kid-so why be so possessive about it?

If it did you some better-why-go ahead and use it.

Want to use my skates? So did I? Let's go together and split the time.
Want half of my half?
Oh-all right-if it makes you happy...

Want to use my sweater-make-up-book-art set-new lipstick-go ahead..

In retrospect-the environment was an ideal breeding ground for codependance-martyrdom and a sense of few boundries-
as well as a developmental arena for an individual easily identified and taken by predators.

Even then, I fearlessly moved on-believing the next person would not do that-
would "share fair", demonstrate understanding and trust-show faith and loyalty-and believe in the goodness of others..

WC Fields once said something to the effect that there is a sucker in every crowd...

I suppose I am one of them.

As much as I have learned to be a little more circumspect in my judgements of human behaviors
I still believe that being true to myself means sharing, being fair and just and hoping others will as well.

Do you think that kind of attitude goes far in the world today??

Grief? Loss? Or Growth?

Warnings for water and air quality?
Living within 12 inches from my neighbors window?
Gated communities?
Amberalerts?
Bottled water
Playdates obese children?-
No recess -need more time for kids to "learn" play is not productive??!
Automobile prices at 30,000?
Houses at an average of 300,000?
Home invasions
United States as a symbol of lack of freedom?
As a symbol of aggression?
Eminent domain for business office parks , shopping malls and parking structures?
Invasion of privacy as in what books do I read, what numbers do I call on my cell phone, what transactions do I make from my bank account-my travels and whereabouts?
No butane lighter or even a nail file in my purse when I fly?
Bring your own food on airlines?
Bird flu???
Mad Cow disease?
Warnings about mercury in fish?
Oil is still a problem after the 1970 embargo and the impact it made in our country?
Global Warming as a reality
Water shortages and drought

I am old enough to feel the pain of the changes in our world -some small-some large

What really troubles my heart?
Feeling this crushing weight of political corruption and corporate greed -with no concern for the future of our kids and all humans

With increasing population, somehow, we seem to think it's all about getting ours-whatever that means
it just makes me sick inside-sick inside and sad.

Sometimes clowns make me feel a little uncomfortable.
Amidst the buffoonery, silliness, and cavorting, I always wonder -what is it about the art of clowning that entices grown men(and women) to do such a thing?? -and is there really an evil motive in some twisted mind-lurking in the group????

Just a thought...

Bush didn't learn in grammer school---keep your hands and feet to your self!!

What is this???

I mean-honestly--between the inane comments , swearing -and the back rub-have we Americans lost our minds???

Didn't Dick or Karl prep him before he went "a visitin" the world's leaders??

Doesn't this little strip of pictures make you want to cringe??

No?

That makes it twice as scary for me....

When did Teachers become the enemy????

There is something magical about my profession.
Each day I walk into a room surrounded by 24 wriggling little bodies full of ideas, hopes and wonder.

Not one of my 8 year old students start the day by remembering they live in poverty.
The boy whose mother stabbed her boyfriend last Christmas and ended in jail and now lives in child haven, the girl whose father was just deported to Mexico, the girl whose mother's boyfriend spends his time telling her how much he hates her father, the girl who tells me her family never has enough food in the house-all these children in my classroom-and I feel so incredibly honored to open the doors of their minds-

Watching them learn-working together to figure out the universe, how things work, what makes an equation-why a number works just so-

is an amazing amazing process....

this morning I read the editorial of the Las Vegas Review Journal-

once again trashing the National Education Association's platform from the annual convention.

With disgust and patronize the NEA is accused of trying to take over the world via your child's mind.

Accusations of "poisoning minds with a gay-liberal-diversity-sex education agenda--
for lines and lines it went on about how teachers are poisoning the minds of school children.

Ironically it is these writers who have benefitted from us ultra liberal lefty teachers who opened the world of critical thinking and analysis in their educational endeavors throughout the years.

Anyone who tells you teachers taught them nothing fool themselves-if only because they learned to use that mind in an organized manner-something the random little child learns to do in a structured setting such as school.

I asked myself about all the accusations as I read them-how does this fit into my classroom?

Do I teach diversity?
Let's see-90% of my kids family's are from Mexico-I have Native American, African-American, Asian and two Caucasian children in the classroom.

Each child contributes a set of family values, religious beliefs and rich cultural heritages. Bias, prejudice, sexism, and racism contribute- to the mix as well. I can hear grown-ups at times in these little voices.

Do I teach tolerance? Yes, I do

I teach tolerance and acceptance for the two students in my class who are autistic and need extra guidance, I teach acceptance for the little boy with the odd behaviors who doesn't seem to quite get the meaning of "acceptable behavior: I teach tolerance for the boy who comes to school dirty every day and needs to wash up in the restroom-

I teach acceptance for the slow readers and the struggling mathematicians. I encourage those whose academic minds quickly grasp the algorithms of formal education to help those who can't quite figure out the system.

We work together to meet the crazy mandates of formal education according to the state. My job is to open the windows of those little minds to see how it makes any sense in the real word.

Only if it makes sense will it be remembered and used in the future. Learning has to fit something in life- If it doesn't a child's mind will easily surrender it-as it should- as meaningless and useless.

Do I teach some liberal acceptance of relationships outside the male-female?
Maybe I do because I still encourage my kids to respect the fact that the little boy in my class with two dads is a human being as is his parents-and we respect all humans whether we like - approve -of them or not.

Do I believe learning should be started early in life?
Of yes, it is a proven statistic that those children who attend pre-school are prepared for education and those who do not fare poorer in the classroom, always playing catch-up.

It is especially critical for those children who come to school as English language learners-if in any way possible to attend early learning centers-otherwise the child needs 3-5 years to learn the language, making elementary school emphasis all about the English language-a huge task for a child.

Over half the teachers in our school district leave teaching by the fifth year. We have a turnover rate which leads to the hiring of over 2,000 teachers a year.

The district has lots of excuses as to why so many teachers leave.
The union does as well. Low pay, high cost of housing-a huge population of second language learners-a city with a constant turnover-leading to feelings of isolation and estrangement.


But anyone who has ever worked in a profession they love knows that people don't leave a job they love unless something happens to change that love-

The newspaper in our town seems to have a strong aversion to the teachers union-and I still remember Ron Brown's accusation of the NEA as a terrorist organization.

When did teachers become the "enemy??"

When did academics become such a threat that the government needs to control the content and the community rallies or rallies not at all-to encompass all teachers in such a negative context??

I really do feel afraid of the direction our collective society moves toward when teachers unions -thus-teachers are attacked and the feeling that public education is a demeaned institution-one not worthy of our children.

These are our schools. Are we so estranged from them we see the institution as the enemy?

Recent studies indicate private and public schools provide the same level of success. Isn't that interesting?
If you check into private schools you will find that most teachers make less money than public school teachers-and ironically, we are all trained in the same academic institutions-no big surprise.


Successful education is a collaboration. We, the teachers know this-and successful education is dependent on us working together with specialists, other grade level teachers-resource and other educators to provide the best educational opportunities possible.

We also know that a major piece of this collaboration is the parent-and the community. School districts reflect the values of the community.

As poor and disenfranchised as my school neighborhood is, it is a walking community-and each day I see parents bring their children to the blacktop to line up for school. I see baby sisters and brothers in strollers-mothers and fathers on bikes-parents who don't speak English but have the desire for their children to learn.

On Open house night 90% of my students parents show up-if a parent can't make it-an aunt or an uncle or an older sister from high school will visit.

By the end of the year I have met with most of them many times, on the playground, on the phone, in meetings, in the classroom.

It has taken effort on my part to reach parents. It is worth every minute I have taken to get to know parents. The benefits for the students are tremendous-with parent support-kids come to school with faith in the teachers-for some parents-it is one of the few positive experiences they have had with a school community.

I am sharing what it is like in one of the poorest school communities in our district.

Have I had problems? Sure-In the five years I have taught school, one child brought his older brother's gun to school unloaded-another made up a hit list with my name on it- another child who has special needs-tried to tear up the classroom one day-

It has not always been easy-I am old enough to understand how complicated the minds and lives of children can be-

What I am mystified by is the community attitude.
If we do not have the support of the political system, our media, the economic base of our community

who suffers?

For what purpose would attacking teachers serve?

Perhaps the editor who is so intent on attacking the public school system, as well as the NEA had such a bad experience in school he continues his attack to obtain some sort of power or satisfaction?

Those who criticize have been taught by those of us who believe critical thinking is essential in a progressive , thoughtful and intelligent society.
We also teach taking responsibility for those criticisms as well.

Learn more.
Get involved.
Find the truth before attacking
Consider all facets of an issue before making decisions

As we tell our students,
make responsible decisions
and then do something about it.

Loneliness-is it solitude???

I am struggling out here in cyberspace. Sure, I could log onto somewhere to connect with others-as if online is a reality?

I can't help but think who I am , although I never really believed I was offensive, is lacking. Since cyberspace is this empty, bottomless void, full of words, like a vortex, I can write just about anything I like and it won't bounce. Kind of an interesting thought.
No reflection. I am not sure that is such a good thing.

I am experiencing about the loneliest time in my life.
I am trying to figure this out. It isn't easy without 1) evaluating my behaviors and wondering if even though my past has been full of people, maybe I didn't choose wisely, or, the world is full of mean manipulative people-that I seem attracted too.

I don't know but I am seeking answers so I can change my behaviors and my perceptions.

Perhaps going over the edge isn't a bad thing. Most of us spend our entire lives staying to themiddleof the road we don't even know what the edge looks like,
and I can tell you the precipice is wide and deep and the only thing I seem to face is myself.

I can't help but wonder at age fifty I will never make love again? God I miss it. Not sex with someone I don't know. That isn't any kind of release, just makes me feel more alone.

The kind of sex I want is knowing every inch of a man's body. Crooked toes and all.
The scent of his sleep. The softness of the skin on the underside of his arm. The knowledge of his body -the kind of knowledge that isn't familiar but curious.

I have made myself busy-too busy to connect with men-and often too busy to connect with others.

I am not sure this is loneliness even though sometimes I feel lonely. This time and space feels more like time to reflect. Some of that choice out of fear of making another mistake again, some trying to step back and look at how I interact with others. I have spent most of my life pleasing others. Ingrained into my psyche. Doormat. Responsible. Dependable. Predictable.

I couldn't say that when I was younger. Always going for the relationship in which I could create the most drama.
As I matured that got old. The message I interpreted was to be easy going. No high maintenance. Understanding and supportive.

Ironic that when I began to behave that way I had a ten year relationship with a man who cheated and lied-but that isn't really the point. The intersting point about our relationship was that I decided to be understadning and loving ANYWAY.

Ironially, he is one of my closest friends.
Who wouldn't want a friend who is reliable and faithful, and not judging.
Doormat.

I don't want this to be the end of passion, love and friendship.
I really don't.
I mourn the loss.
Yet I am not willing to pursue those paths which will provide opportunities, either.

Ah, shit. Ah shit. Bounce that around, cyberspace...

bra desolation...

Breasts feel this way sometimes. Especially when they sit heavy on the rib cage
Did you ever see a woman leaning her folded arms on her breasts? I always thought that was the coolest thing-having breasts as armrests.
I swear, growing up I had no breasts. Just little ones that didn't really need a bra. I think I was thirty when I finally acquired breasts. Right after my daughter's birth-I even took pictures of them while I was nursing because they felt so big.

Still not big enough to park my arms, though.

Still, it's kind of a cool act, don't you think??

I'm chewing this gum as fast as I can...

Because I know I have to quit smoking. I quit a number of times, and I really do detest the nasty habit. Honestly, I do. Smokers don't look glamorous anymore-I sure don't. All that shame and hiding from others-using that nasty Febreeze, so I traipse around smelling like fabric softener with a touch of smoke in my hair and clothes.

So I keep chewing.
I remember the first time I smoked-I was 14-and I wanted to be cool. I got so dizzy I almost passed out. The only other time I ever had that buzzed feeling, in my entire life-actually, was when I went without food for two days.

Smoke in my lungs, no food-something like a shaman ritual, I suppose.

After my first smoke, no one really cared at my house-I used to go across the street to the gas station on the corner of Belsey and Davison Road and buy smokes for 50 cents a pack. Yeah, that was a long time ago.

I remember buying cigarettes for my mom, as a kid. She would send me with a note to the drugstore.
We lived in downtown Detroit, near Harper Hospital. I 'd pass the emergency room on my way to the store, listening to the sirens glaring into the emergency entrance.
At the time, ambulance noises , loud, high pitched sirens developed into a comforting sound to me. Do you remember the comforting sounds from your home, when you were a kid?

Well, ambulance noises-one of mine.
Gratiot Avenue was a huge eight lane road for a little five year old kid with a note.
My mom smoked non-filter cigarettes-Chesterfields-or Pall Mall. I don't think anyone makes those anymore, do they?

The clerk would read the note, hand me the smokes and take the money.
nowadays my mom would get arrested for that kind of behavior. Then it was no big deal.

I would buy my smokes and hide in the restroom at the gas station to smoke them. At fourteen, smoking was kind of a sneaky thing to do-so it was cool to hide and smoke.

Later, we didn't care. We'd smoke wherever we wanted. No law existed-if kids wanted to kill themselves on smokes, well, it was one less mouth..
Anyway-whoever heard of a teenager dying of lung cancer?
We had enough problems in Flint with all the pollution. I don't think smoking made much difference.

I quit many times over the years. The longest for five years. What made me pick up another one -how can I answer that question?

I don't think smokers like to admit what it really means.
Smoking just shuts down all kinds of emotional minefields.

Angry? Just pick up that smoke and inhale all of those feelings.
Lonely? Sad? Depressed? Feel empty?
Just breathe and hold that cigarette. Kind of makes it all sit in the pit of the stomach.

I don't want to quit anymore because of "peer pressure".
Or the fact everything in my house stinks-including my daughter's hair.
Well, that is one reason.
Now, I want to quit because I want to live longer.
Sure, I could get hit by a huge truck or some crazy driver.
A huge meteor could fall out of the sky and smash me flat, too.

But denial is what keeps many smokers picking up the next one-

It feels naked without one. Like I am showing a body part I prefer to keep private.
A friend of mine quit smoking twenty years ago. One day he said, "I still feel it sometimes. Like what am I supposed to do with my fingers? Stick them up my nose??"

I keep chewing this gum as fast as I can.
Maybe this oral substitution can keep the words in my mouth, the feelings stuck in my throat, and the nakedness-the raw nakedness of feeling so exposed, will reveal what the rest of my body and mind have been stifling for so long.

Bush says, Optimistic????

Ignornance , honestly, is a blissfulness only graced upon the needlessly stupid or the sincerely dumbfounded.

I wonder sometimes about those people polled who claim they are undecided. How long does that kind of state endure? Are people who claim to be undecided really undecided or they just don't like to make a comittment? Or maybe they really are sitting around, thinking, "gee, I just don't know..."
I had a friend like that once. She drove me nuts. Sitting at a table ordering food would take forever. She hemmed and hawed...shaking her head, looking genuinely distressed, until I couldn't handle it-
"C'mon, Rhonda-it's just food-order!!
Her response? "Whatever I order rules out so many other possibilities-it's impossible to decide.

She is now a physician...let's hope you don't ever have to ask for an opinion..

Today in the news, President Bush says he is optimistic.
Well? What does that mean? Optimistic that the war in Iraq will be "won", optimisitic that the middle east will settle the seething boiling pot of anger and resentment America has earned from the invasive and rightous acts deemed democracy?

I say this sounds more like ignorance. Drivel, triviality, Dr. Seuss-gook, not as creative but just as silly.

Perhaps if Bush were to be polled, anonymously, he might be , just might, secretly, be one of those "undecided", based on-sheer ignorance? or sheer stupidity??

Try to empty your mind..just try it...

I am wondering,
what connects us besides the ignorant fact we assume humans all have common traits?
So common, I wonder, that we become parodies of simplistic humanity.
Not that I am writing this in a cynical voice.
Our minds work so hard talking to us we don't take much time to empty them. at times I feel like we have junkmail of the brain. Open mouth -pour forth the overload.
Lately I have been spending time quietly, without much noise coming out of my mind or my mouth. I think we used to call it listening.
I don't listen with a purpose.
The purpose of listening is to have few expectations. You know how some people just wait for you to end your sentence so they can reply?
It is a rare find -a good listener.
They are easy to detect, because you really like them. Good listeners seem really interested in what you have to say.

Even if it is mind junk mail and overload. lol